


Join the Dark Side! We have Stuff!

by ookamijudge



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 16:41:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2435681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ookamijudge/pseuds/ookamijudge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Orochimaru needs more ninjas to fight for him, so he offers ramen to Naruto, hot naked girls to Kakashi, and Sasuke stripping to Sakura. He'd better watch his back, when they, along with all the others, find out he's lying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We Have Sasuke Stripping!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was adopted from RuneWitchSakura on FFN. The first 3 chapters all belong to her with nothing but maybe slight tweaking on my part, but for the most part all hers I'm even including her original ANs.

Naruto

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Naruto went through his cabinets in horror. This had to be a nightmare. There was no ramen in the house at all. Just as Naruto was about to scream in horror, Orochimaru came bursting through the window.

"Join the Dark Side! We have ramen!"

"How much ramen?"

"An endless supply!"

"I'm in. Where do I sign up?"

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Sakura and Ino

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The two girls sighed. They had nothing to do and their beloved Sasuke-kun was working for the evil Orochimaru. Speak o' the devil - guess who just dropped down from a nearby tree.

"Join the Dark Side! We have Sasuke!"

"You EVIL dumbass," Inner Sakura was making herself known, "Why should we join you!"

"YEAH! You took our Sasuke-kun away from us!" Ino agreed.

"Hmm...fine then. I will resort to extreme measures. Join the Dark Side! We have Sasuke stripping!"

"WE'RE IN!"

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Jiraiya and Kakashi

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Kakashi and Jiraiya were sparing. If Jiraiya won, Kakashi was his slave for a week. If Kakashi won, Jiraiya sent him signed copies of every book he had written and would write in the future. And Orochimaru chose this time to interrupt them.

"Join the Dark Side! We have HOT naked girls!"

Kakashi and Jiraiya just stood there for a moment, then looked at each other and broke out in equally lecherous grins.

"We're in."

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Hinata

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Hinata sat on the bench watching the birds fly around. Naruto had disappeared and no one knew where he had gone. She squeaked when Orochimaru appeared in front of her.

"Join the Dark Side! We have Naruto!"

"Seriously?" Hinata asked. At Orochimaru's nod she continued, "I'm in. Where's Naruto-kun?"

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Hiashi

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Hinata!" Hiashi raised an eyebrow at Orochimaru.

"So?" he asked, "You can have her." Orochimaru frowned, turned to Kabuto, and whispered in his ear. Kabuto nodded and left the room to go kidnap Hanabi.

"Join the Dark Side! We have Hanabi!"

"(sigh) Fine."


	2. We Have Naruto And Iruka Wants Him Back!

Akamaru

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Akamaru started barking at the snake faced man in front of him.

"Join the Dark Side! We have bacon!" Orochimaru said. Akamaru perked up. He let out a happy bark, and jumped into Kabuto's arms. Kabuto twitched. He was afraid of dogs.

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Kiba

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After hearing Akamaru barking, Kiba decided to investigate. He found Kabuto with his dog.

"What the hell are you doing with my dog?" he yelled. Kabuto twitched again.

"Join the Dark Side! We have Akamaru!" Orochimaru said. Kiba growled.

"Gimmie back my dog, dammit!" Just before he tackled Orochimaru, Akamaru started barking. Kiba stood straight up.

"Bacon?" he asked, grinning, "I'm in!"

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Gaara

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"What do you want?" Gaara asked the snake sannin.

"Join the Dark Side! We have…um…crud…KABUTO!" Orochimaru screamed.

"We have…uh…SASUKE!"

"We have Naruto," Sasuke offered.

"We have Naruto," Kabuto agreed. Orochimaru nodded and turned back to Gaara.

"Join the Dark Side! We have Naruto!"

"And I should care because?"

"Uh…KABUTO!"

"Um…SASUKE!"

"I don't care."

"If I come along, will you all shut up?"

"Yes!" Orochimaru yelled.

"Fine, let's go."

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Temari and Kankuro

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Gaara!" Orochimaru screamed, causing Temari to scream, and whack him on the head with her big fan, "OW!"

"What do you mean you have Gaara!" Temari screamed back, "Give him back dammit!" She whacked him on the head again.

"Dammit! Stop that!" Kankuro whacked him on the head with Karasu, "OW! What the hell is wrong with you people!" Orochimaru ran away.

"Damn, he got away," Temari said.

"Didn't he say he had Gaara?" Kankuro asked.

"GET BACK HERE WITH GAARA!"

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Iruka

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Naruto!" Orochimaru said, jumping out in front of Iruka. Iruka's eye twitched.

"BRING HIM BACK!" Iruka yelled. Orochimaru's eyes went wide, and he ran away again. Except this time, he was followed. And by a pissed off Iruka. Damn, getting shinobi was getting hard these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author AN: Hey gang. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. My computer was going screwy and when that finally started working right, the internet went screwy again. Verizon sucks. If you have a choice, don't get it. I need more ideas! What would I do for Gai's team?
> 
> Rune


	3. We Have The Ultimate Power Of Youth!

Lee

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Sakura!" Orochimaru said, jumping out in front of Lee. Lee's eyes went wide.

"I shall protect her from you with my life!" Lee yelled, preparing to beat up Orochimaru.

"Wait!" Orochimaru yelled, "We also have spandex!" No reaction. "And we have the Ultimate Power of Youth!" Lee's eyes widened again.

"YOSH! Let's go!" Lee screamed.

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Neji

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"Join the Dark Side! We have destiny power!" Orochimaru said, making Neji glare at him.

"I don't believe in destiny or fate anymore," Neji said, crossing his arms.

"Oh, well then…Join the Dark Side! We have anti-destiny spray!"

"I already have some," Neji said, holding up a bottle. The label said 'Anti-Destiny Spray! Rid yourself of that pesky destiny and fate and make the air around you smell like fresh roses while you're at it!'

"Oh. Hmm…damn. I'll be back in a little while," Orochimaru said.

"I won't be waiting," Neji said, as Orochimaru disappeared.

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Gai

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Lee!" Orochimaru said, dodging a kick from Gai.

"Why have you taken my youthful student?" Gai cried out, throwing a punch at Orochimaru who dodged.

"Because we have the Ultimate Power of Youth!" Orochimaru yelled.

"LIES!" Gai yelled, aiming another kick at Orochimaru, who dodged again.

"We also have a secret weapon that only youthful people can use that is guaranteed to beat Kakashi!" Orochimaru yelled, as a punch from Gai sent him flying. "And spandex!"

"YOSH! Let us embark on the journey to the Ultimate Power of Youth, this Youth-filled weapon that will beat my rival, and SPANDEX!"

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Neji…Again

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Hinata!" Orochimaru said, causing Neji, who was practicing a new jutsu, to have said jutsu blow up in his face.

"You…will…DIE!" Neji yelled. Orochimaru yelped. "KAITEN!"

"I shall return!" Orochimaru yelled, as he was sent flying away from the training grounds.

"I still won't be waiting," Neji said, before returning to his new jutsu.

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Tenten

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"Join the Dark Side! We have Neji!" Orochimaru said, jumping in front of Tenten who had just exited a weapon shop. Of course, it would have been more convincing if he actually did have Neji.

"No you don't," Tenten said, "I had lunch with him about ten minutes ago. He said he was going to go train, and not join up with you, which while confusing to me when he said it, makes a lot more sense now."

"Oh…well, then…Join the Dark Side! We have a super top secret legendary weapon that only a weapon mistress such as yourself could possibly ever use!" Tenten got stars in her eyes.

"Legendary…I'M SO IN!"

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Neji…Again…For the Third Time

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"Join the Dark Side! We have-" Orochimaru started.

"Quiet!" Neji said. He was meditating. He liked quiet when he was meditating.

"But-"

"No, now be quiet."

"But-"

"Quiet!"

"Fine. I'll return again soon," Orochimaru said, leaving.

"I don't care," Neji said, "I will not be waiting for you."

Orochimaru sighed. It was so hard to get the Hyuuga boy to join him. Perhaps his other teammate had an idea on what to do about him. He hadn't talked to her yet anyway.

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Tsunade

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"Join the Dark Side! We have mountains of Sake and thousands of gambling casinos that you can't possibly loose at!" Orochimaru yelled. Tsunade's eyebrows rose before she smiled.

"I'm in!"

"Alright. Your first mission is to answer this question: How do I get Neji to join us?"

"Easy. All you have to do is…"

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Guess Who?…Yep…Neji

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"Join the Dark Side! We have-"

"I don't care," Neji said, "Go away. Leave me alone."

"Well fine, if you don't want to know how to remove that seal on your forehead," Orochimaru said, walking away.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Neji screamed, latching onto one of Orochimaru's legs.

"Finally!" Orochimaru yelled, pumping his fist into the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author AN: So, he finally gets Neji on the fourth try. I tried to use as many of the suggestions given to me as possible because they were all awesome. This is like story number ten in the super huge update of all my stories. Ten out of twenty-seven. Anyways, read and review, and please, leave any suggestions you wish. I will do my best to get them all in. There are only a few more chapters of "Join the Dark Side! We have –enter object of desire here–!" before all the people Orochimaru has collected, realize he can't make good on all his promises. Smiles!
> 
> Rune

**Author's Note:**

> Original Author AN: I'll continue this next chapter. And I hate Hiashi. Hence reason he's a bastard in this fic. Any ideas on who I should do next?
> 
> Rune


End file.
